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To My Dear Husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't
get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching sports on t.v.

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you
missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the
ceiling.

What I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to
breathe.

To My Dear Wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me that there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

How to Impress a Woman:

  Compliment her,
  Respect her,
  Honor her,
  Cuddle her,
  Kiss her,
  Caress her,
  Love her,
  Tease her,
  Comfort her,
  Protect her,
  Hug her,
  Hold her,
  Dance with her,
  Spend money on her,
  Wine and dine her,
  Buy things for her,
  Listen to her,
  Care for her,
  Stand by her,
  Support her,
  Hold her,
  Go to the ends of the Earth for her.


How to Impress a Man:

  Show up naked.
  Bring food.

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain......
A MBA and a BE student go on a camping trip,

set up their tent, and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend and says:

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The BE asks, "What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute..
"Astronomically speaking,

it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Practically. ..Someone has stolen our tent".
"ENGINEERING = 100% COMMON SENSE"


JAI HO ALL ENGINEERS.