Who is great? It's u
Who is smart? It's u
Who is sweetest? It's u
Who is jolly? It's u
Who is lying? Of course, it's me.
6 facts on Earth
1st fact : U can't touch all ur teeth with ur tongue.
2nd fact : After reading this , all fools will try it.
3rd fact : Now u will smiles Bcoz u have become a fool.
4th fact : Now u want 2 fool ur friends.
5th fact : Now u forward it 2 all fools.
6th fact : Fact 1 is false.
Dying man asks his wife.Our 4th son always looked different from the other 3 , did he have a different father ?
Wife : yes .
Man : Whose it ?Wife : Yours
Truth of life : "Mother's tears hit your heart and Wife's tears hit your pocket."
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said "Concentrate."
First guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
An old widow and widower named Lisa and George get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night.
After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel. Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Lisa, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass.
Lisa then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and George is intently watching...
Lisa continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand.
Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and George continues to stare in an interested manner.
As Lisa takes off her wig, she realizes that George is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.
She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"
George quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here"!
A couple felt that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, so they went to see a sex therapist.
After listening to their complaints, the therapist suggested they try a new position.
"For example," the therapist said, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."
When they got home, the eager husband was all for trying this new idea right away.
"Well, all right," the hesitant blonde wife said, "but only on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you have to stop right away."
"OK, honey," the husband said. "What's the second condition?"
"You have to promise we won't go past my mother's house!" she replied
A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Excuse me, but where's my change?" asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
Politician: "What did you think of my speech on the agricultural problem?"
Farmer: "Not bad, but a good day's rain would probably have helped more …"
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra but his request was denied. "Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.
"It's not safe," the doctor replied.
"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here onSaturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."
"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented."But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
There was a fence that divided Heaven from Hell. One day God notices that the devil's side is in pretty bad shape. It is falling down, badly in need of paint, weeds growing up around it, etc.
So, God hollers over the fence, "Hey Satan, why don't you fix up your side of the fence?"
Satan hollers back, "Why don't you mind your own business."
So God says, "I'll hire a lawyer and sue you if you don't."
The devil replies, "Yeah, right. Where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle."
The old woman fainted.
Little Johnny was in kindergarten class one day when the teacher was going over the alphebet. Now little Johnny had a reputation as being very "colorful" with his teacher. So when she asked the class if anyone could think of a word starting with the letter "A" and Johnny raised his hand.....she did not want to call on him. "Jenny? what word starts with "A"? "Apple", replied Jenny. "What word can you think of that starts with the letter B boys and girls?" Again Johnny's hand shot up while being punctuated with oooh oooh oooh's. She was certainly not going to call on Johnny for fear of yet another bad word. "Bobby, what word starts with B? "Baseball", replied Bobby.
As she went through letter by letter Johnny became more visibly distraught. When the teacher asked for what word starts with the letter "R", Johnny raised his hand again. The teacher thought and thought but could not think of a potentially bad word that starts with R so she said, "Well Johnny, what word starts with R?" "Rat", replied Johnny, "A great big f*#$ing Rat
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.
"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"
Dear IT Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewelery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Housewife
Reply: Dear Desperate Housewife,
First keep in mind:
Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Tongkat Ali 6.9.
Good Luck, IT
Support
… your twin sister forgets your birthday.
… you wake up face down on the pavement.
… you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
… you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
… you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
… your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
… your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
… you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
… you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
… the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter back from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love, Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Fred
A program is never finished until the programmer dies.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working properly, if you open windows.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.
Oxymoron: "Microsoft Works"
The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.
A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less."
As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
Q: How many DIY'ers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two -one to screw it in and another to sponsor him.
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one, but it takes nine visits.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred - one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren't chosen.
Q: How many MAC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'd have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which cost extra.
Q: How many PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it'll be fixed in the next version.
Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in and another to screw it up.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.
Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four - one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.
Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who who wants to know?
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: enO.
Q: How many NASA engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy - and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it until next week. The lightbulb costs three million dollars.
Q: How many FOX news reporters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.
Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw people.
Q: How many WWE wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. Three to setup the drama and two to fake it.
Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change the lightbulb. One to spot. The other two to stand and yell support (Come on! You can do it! etc…)
Doctor Nick walks into his office to talk to a patient.
He looks at the patient and says: "I have good news and bad news. Which would you like?"
"The good news," the patient says.
"Well, the good news is we're gonna name a disease after you."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"Give me the good news first," the artist demanded.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could possibly be the bad news?"
With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
If the car ad claims... It really means:
- rough condition... too bad to lie about
- parts car... beyond repair
- immaculate... recently washed
- engine quiet... if you use 90-weight oil
- needs minor overhaul... needs engine
- needs major overhaul... Phone the junkyard
- burns no oil... (it all leaks out)
- rebuilt engine... Cleaned the spark plugs.
- Drive it away... I live on a hill.
- Drive it anywhere... (within 10 miles)
- desirable classic... No one wants it.
- rare classic... No one wanted it even when it was new.
- stored 20 years... (in a farmer's field)
- ran when stored... Won't start
- my grandmother's car... First gear is worn out
- was just driven by a little old lady... At the dirt track
- good rubber.... A few years ago
- needs inspection.... Can't find a mechanic who will lie
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
Three engineers sit in a car going downhill. A civil engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer.
The brakes fail and the car narrowly avoids a very bad accident.
When it finally comes to a stop the civil engineer says "We got really lucky, that hill has a 15% gradient".
The mechanical engineer says "We should fix the brakes".
The software engineer says "We should do it again to see if the brakes will fail again."
Johnny's wife arrives home from town and says to him, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone. No more headaches."
"What happened ?" asked Johnny.
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache', 'I do not have a headache', 'I do not have a headache'. It worked ! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that IS wonderful," Johnny says.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom yourself these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?"
Johnny agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, Johnny comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move I'll be right back."
Johnny then goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Johnny, that was wonderful !"
Johnny says, "Don't move - I'll be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
His wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Johnny again says, "Don't move - I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees Johnny standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife", " She's not my wife", "She's not my wife !"
Sitting in the bar George asked Johnny, 40, "How come you are not married?"
Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet"
George: "So what are you looking for?"
Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook 'n house keeper, - well and she's got to know how to handle money, - a really nice and pleasant personality is a must, - and money, she's got to have money, - and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."
George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU"
Johnny: "Oh it's okay, if she is crazy"
JACK was wearily trudging home, lost in his own private thoughts, when he heard a voice.
"Stop!" it said. "Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you!"
Jack stopped and a split second later a brick fell right in front of his feet. Rattled, he walked on.
A few minutes later, he was about to cross the road when he heard the same voice shouting: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a car will run you over and kill you!"
Jack did as he was instructed and, sure enough, seconds later a car came hurtling round the corner, just missing him.
Jack's heart was beating furiously. "Where are you? he called out. "Who are you?"
Slowly, a shimmering shape appeared and manifested itself as an old, kindly-looking gent. "I am Clarence, your guardian angel," said this vision.
Jack just managed to fight back an impulse to punch him on the nose. "Guardian angel, eh?" he yelled. "Where the hell were you on my wedding day?
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife.
He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real break through. The doctor the suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks "what happened?"
To which the man replies "She choked."
It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow…
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teen aged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
Here are some funny response to questions on school science
tests:
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are
yet to be discovered.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you
don't, why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know
we know they're there.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget
to put the top on.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough
to be called a drop, it does.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they
look like umbrellas.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is
singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they
are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you think of when you hear thunder?
Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God
as our God? Thou art the God that doest wonders: thou hast
declared thy strength among the people.
Thou hast with thine arm redeemed thy people, the sons of
Jacob and Joseph. Selah.
The waters saw thee, O God, the waters saw thee; they were
afraid: the depths also were troubled. The clouds poured out
water: the skies sent out a sound: thine arrows also went
abroad.
The voice of thy thunder was in the heaven: the lightnings
lightened the world: the earth trembled and shook. Thy way
is in the sea, and thy path in the great waters, and thy
footsteps are not known. -Psalms 77:13
tests:
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are
yet to be discovered.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you
don't, why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know
we know they're there.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget
to put the top on.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough
to be called a drop, it does.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they
look like umbrellas.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is
singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they
are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you think of when you hear thunder?
Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God
as our God? Thou art the God that doest wonders: thou hast
declared thy strength among the people.
Thou hast with thine arm redeemed thy people, the sons of
Jacob and Joseph. Selah.
The waters saw thee, O God, the waters saw thee; they were
afraid: the depths also were troubled. The clouds poured out
water: the skies sent out a sound: thine arrows also went
abroad.
The voice of thy thunder was in the heaven: the lightnings
lightened the world: the earth trembled and shook. Thy way
is in the sea, and thy path in the great waters, and thy
footsteps are not known. -Psalms 77:13
Compliment her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Stroke her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Wine & dine her,
Buy things for her,
Dance with her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Go to the ends of the earth for her
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Stroke her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Wine & dine her,
Buy things for her,
Dance with her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Go to the ends of the earth for her
************ ***
How to impress a Man?
Just give a sweet smile smile.
ha ha ha ha ha ha
Am I wrong????
Just give a sweet smile smile.
ha ha ha ha ha ha
Am I wrong????
Due to the way our Hindi was spoken/pronounced by those British then inIndia (as examplified in Lagaan!!), see the following self-explanatory:
GANPAT RAI Bihari,(who really needs a job) is being interviewed by a BritishColonel Smith.
Col. Smith: "Haan toh Gaand Fat rahai (Ganpat Rai)!"
Bihari: "Nahi, sir, jyada nahi!"
Col. Smith: "Kya 'jyada nahi' bolta hai, tumhara application me likha huahai Gand fat rahai."
Bihari : "Theekh hai mai baap, likha hai to fat raha hoga."
Col. Smith: "Tum daily marata hai (tum Delhi me rahta hai)?"
Bihari : "Nahi sir, kabhi kabhi!"
Col. Smith: "Gand fat rahai, idhar aaoo, kya 'kabhi kabhi' bolta hai?Tumhara application mein likha hua hai ki tum daily marata hai."
Bihari : "Theek hai mai bap, likha hai to marata honga."
The Bihari was employed on one condition that he will do whatever Col.Smiths' family asks him to do.
Col. Smith: "Gand fatrahai!"
Bihari : "Ji maalik."
Col. Smith: "Aaj tum ko 3 kaam karnee kaa haai."
Bihari : "Hukum Sarkaar!"
Col. Smith: "Tum pehla hamaari beti ko chodenga (drop her off)...baad meinhamaari biwi ko chodenga...aur uske baad mein hum ko chodenga."
Bihari : "Maaf karna Sarkaar, tumhari biwi aur beti to theek hai, lekin mainaap ko nahi chod sakta."
Col.Smith: "Gand fatrahai! Tum ko hum ko chodnaa padhega."
Bihari : "Nahi sarkaar, aisa zulum naa kare."
Col. Smith: "Gand fatrahai, agar tum hum ko nahi chod sakta to hum tumkonokri se nikaal denga."
Bihari : "Theek hai, sarkaar ....jo hukum."
After a few days there is no one except Col.Smith's wife at home. She isalone in her bedroom. While wearing her bra she is unable to 'tie the knotbehind.' So...
Wife: "Gand fatrahai, idhar aaoo?"
Bihariri : "Ji Maalkin."
Wife: "Gand fatrahai, hammara peeche se gaand maaro!" (gaanth maro - tie thebra knot).
Bihari : "Yeh kya keh rahi hai, Maalkin?"
Wife: "Gand fatrahai, jaldi se gaand maaro hum ko late hota hai."
Bihari : "Nahi Nahi, Maalkin. Agar maine aisa kiya to hum ko sarkar kachakha jayenge."
Wife: "Gand fatrahai, agar tumne jaldi se hamari gaand nahi maari to humtumko kacha kha jaayengi."
Bihari : "Theek hai maalkin. Jo hukum."Ganpatrai who has been frustrated by these Brits for a long time, startslike a bull.Panic stricken the wife tries to turn and shouts: "GAND FATRAHAI, GANDFATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI!"
Bihari: "Memsaab...Gaand maarega to Gaand to phatega ne!"
Girl to another: Kal sapne me mujhe koi chakku se mar raha tha
.2nd Girl: Tu dar mat agar sapne sach hote to mujhe roj ABBORTION karana padta...
*.*.*.•
If your boss says: Nothing is impossible, ask him to wear a condom after sex.
*.*.*.*•
Fact of life: When a girl attains maturity, she wants to wear a bra... When aboy attains maturity, he wants to remove that bra.....
*.*.*.*•
Teacher: Jimmedari kya hoti hai ?
Student: Madam agar apke blouse k 4 batton me se 3 tut jaye to 4th pe jo aatihai, usko jimmedari kehte hai.
*.*.*.*.*•
Luv is not measured by Hugging, Kissing & sex. It's all about TrustingRespecting & Accepting a person with open legs, closed eyes & wet lips sayingPush it more.
*.*.*.*.•
Lady: What is a good time for Sex?
Doctor: In the afternon between 2 to 4.
Lady: Why ?Dr: The compounder will not be here...
*.*.*.*.*•
Mother found a condom in daughter's cupboard. She went straight to her nasked:
What is this?
Girl: To aap kya chahti hain, main is umar mein Maa ban jaaun?!
*.*.*.*.*•
Playboy has started a special edition for Married men. The same woman is featured every month.
*.*.*.*.*•
Sex is evilEvil is sinSin is forgivenSo let's begin.
*.*.*.*•
Boy: How much Calcium is there in women's BREAST?
Gril: Enough to help a Man's boneless thing stand up.
Place of SUSU
In a party a lady wanted to go to the toilet badly. So she approached thehost Santa and asked, Where is your SUSU place, Please show me.
Santa winked at the lady and said. Yea, naughty girl, First you show meyour SUSU place and then I will show you mine.
***************************************************
Child Like Mom
Bantu: Did you have a chance to sleep with my wife.?
Santu: Watch it man. What are you saying? I would never even think about such a thing.?
Bantu: Well you should. She is much better than yours.
***********************************************
Crazy English
A gossiping girl student asked another about the hot story, Do you know whyt he Lady English Teacher slapped Santa left and right today?
The other replied, Ya, Lady English Teacher insisted that students should ask question no matter how dumb it is.
She continued, So Santa stood up, pointed his two fingers at the teacherand asked Why Bras is singular when it holds two in it and then pointingone finger at the teacher he asked again And Panties is plural when it holdsonly one.
1) F*cking Fact.. . . . .F*ck
a woman and she loves you...Love a woman and she fu*ks you..!! :-)
2) Banta: I'm organising group sex @ my home. Will u join?
Santa: Yes, yes! How many people r there?
Banta: Just 3 -Me, U & Ur Wife!
3) Santa was pissing wen a gal saw his huge penis & said naughtily:
Wow I wud luv 2 hav dat.
Santa: Go & get a cup, I'm about 2 finish!
4) Next 20-20 KA CAPTAIN kaun?
GUJ : PATHAN
MARATI :SACHIN
Sardar -SANIYA MIRZA.
SANIYA Q..?
SRDR : Jeet k baad DHONI KI TARAH T-SHIRT NIKALEGI TO BALLE BALLE!!!
5) Newtons 3 sexlaws
1-A hole always attracts a pole
2-Length of pole is equal 2 depth of hole
3-Up&down motion,releases a lotion,which increases population.
Kissing a woman at her FOREHEAD is Respect
At her LIPS is Love
CHEEKis Heroism
NECK is Lust
BUT KISSING HER IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND IS BRAVERY.
~~~~~~~~~
Woman: If you were my husband I'd poison your coffee.
Man: And if you were my wife, I'd drink it.
~~~~~~~~~
A sardar learning English introduces his family in the party:
Hi! I am sardar,
This is my sardarni,
He is my kid,&
she is my kidney.
~~~~~~~~~
English Teacher: Make a sentence using "Neither-Nor"
Naughty boy Student: When girls wear tight fitting dresses,"NEiTHER" are they comfortable, "NOR" are we!
Pappu: Dad, today they taught about Sex in the class.
Santa: Ok son.
Later he saw Pappu shaking his penis, he asked what r u doing?
Pappu: Homework Dad.
*One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He pickedit up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want aspectacular job -- a job that no man has eversucceeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."
Ladki: Tum Honeymoon k liye kahan kahan Gayi thi?
Saheli: Shimla, Kasauli, Mussoorie, Nanitaal.
Ladki: Achhaa... kya kya dekha Wahan pe?
Saheli: Sirf CEILING FAN!
1)Love is not measured by hugging, kissing & sex . luv is respect& trust, accepting a person with open legs.. closed eyes.. wetlips..saying "push it more"- 2
2)Subah-2 jab khirki kholay, fruitwala zore se bole: 8 rupay ke 12kelay, kum paray to mera lelay.
3)Sex life of a couple according to ages:--
18+ DINRAAT
28+ ROZRAAT
38+ JUMERAAT
48+ CHANDRAAT
58+ JAJBAAT AUR GAL BAAT.
4)Iss jahan main aae ho to ,kuch aaisa kar jaao kadardaan,Jiss gali se guzro, aawaaz aae --"ABBAJAAN - ABBAJAAN"
5)Rail ki patri par mat hagaa karo,train aayegi gaand kat jaayegi.abhi haath se gaand dhotay ho,baad mein gaand se haath dhobaithogay!!!!!!!!!!
6)A woman gave birth to six babies & on seeing this,she goes outoff her hospital bed &slapped her husband & shouted, " I told you not to go doggy style ".
7)A 25 year boy married a 65 year woman.after two days boy died,because he drank expired milk.
8)Ek Sardar car ke piche pesab kar raha tha. A Foreigner said to him "AAPKE YAHAN POLICE NAHIN PAKADHTI ?"He replied,"NAHIN HAMAARE YAHAN KHUD PAKADHNA PADHTA HAI !"
9)A girl selling SANDWICH on the beach in goa, asked asardar:"sardar ji ,sandwich loge? "sardar ji replied,"o,kamliye sand wich kyon?, room wich kyonnahi?
10)A good friend is like a good bra. hard to find, very comfortable,supportive, holds u up when r down & always close to the heart.good day, dear bra..
What do ! u usually say after sex?
--I luv u!...........wrong!
--That was great!..........wrong again!
--I luv it!........wrong again!
--the answer is :" mera kacha kithe?"
________________________________________
Bhagwaan (god) sabse zyada kab khush hote hain?...When a girl is getting raped &
she screams."MUJHE BHAGWAANKE LIYE CHODE DO PLEASE!!!!
___________________________________________
Woh raat Diwali wali thi,
woh piya se chudne wali thi,
Koi aur hi aake chod gaya
,Lund ko lehnge se ponch gaya,
Uski Maa ne kiya VIRODH,
Tune choda bina NIRODH.
__________________________________________
A man used to have sex with his wife using milk as lubricant.
Later she was rushed to hospital, when the Doctar came Out of O.T. said,
no baby or baba, just 1kg MAWA.
________________________________________
A man to his wife: How u pregnant without me?
Wife: I am praying ur ID photo daily.
Man: Chutiya banati hai, photo to passport size hai,samaan kaha hai?
_____________________________________________
Laakh rupye ki baatein:
Gadi aur Biwi dusro ko do to thok ke hi wapas Aati hai.
Garib aur Boobs hamesha hi dabte rehate hai,
Musibat aur land kabhi bhi khade ho jate hai
kismat aur bra kisi bhi waqt khul sakti hai.
Land aur pani Apna rasta Swayam hi dhund lete hai.
Dudh aur Gand jab fat ti hi To Aawaz nahi hoti.
Bhajan Bhojan auur Chodan hamesha Ekaant me hi Karna chahiye.
Chut aur RangRup Ko Jitna Bhi ragdo uutni chamak aayegi.
Saap Aur Chut Jhabhi mile maar Do.
Mamme Aur jajbat Jitna dabao uutne hi Uubharte hai.
Zaante Aur Koyla hamesh Sulagte hai.
Zindagi Aur Zaate uulze huwe hai, Ienhe sulzaaneki Koshish mat karna.
Chut Aaur roti Jaise bhi mile Iestemaal kar leni chahiye.
Maango Uusi se jo de khushi se aur kahe na Kisi se.
Uparokt upadeshon ka koie kaat nahi hai, kaat karne wale ko
Mume maanga ienam diya jaayega..
1) Pappu meets his dad in a Red Light Area & said:
Papa, aap yahan peh?
Father: Bas beta ab 200-300 rupaye ke liye teri Mummy ke Nakhre nahi sahe jaate.
2) DON removed his pant n asked for a blow job from his girlfriend.
By lookingat his small penis
she replyed ''DON ka pakadna mushkil hi nahi namumkin hai''
3) Husband & wife talak ke baad.
Husband :-''Bacha mera hai"
Lady :-"wah ji wah! Bartan mera,dudh mera,thoda sa khatta kya dal diya pura dahi tera?!!
4) Director to Mallika: Suhagraat ka scene hai, aap usse garam dudh ka glassdeti hai.Mallika: Glass se hi pilana tha to mujhe kyo liya, Vidya Balan ko lete!
Bengali
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
More than four Bengali's = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Team .
Bihari
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna .
Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
Mallu
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.
UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
Gujju
One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay 's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
Andhraite
One Andhraite = chili farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey .
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.
Tamil-Brahmin
One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = Maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = Queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara
Mumbaikar
One Mumbaikar = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Mumbaikars= film studio.
Three Mumbaikars = slum.
Four Mumbaikars = The number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.
Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar .
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
Marwari
One Marwari = The neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta
Three Marwaris = Finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = Threaten the Jews as a community.
Haryanvi
One Haryanavi = tube light
Two Haryanavi = agriculture
Three Haryannavi= Lathi squad
Four Haryanavi = actually just one was enough
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
NOTE: Please do not shoot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen. For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no (Check karet box)
2. First name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no (Check karet box)
3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no (Check karet box)
4. Sex:
____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable
5. Chappal Size:
____ Lepht ____ Right
6.Occupason:
(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_)Un-employed (Check karet box)
7. Number of children libing in the household: ___
8. Number that are yours: ___
9. Mather name: ____________ _________ __
10. Phather Name: ____________ ________ (If not no,leave blank)
11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
12. Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other __________Give egjhakt color (Check karet box)
13.Your thumb imparesson : ____________ _________ _______(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)
PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS
Fuuny Jokes
Posted
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,"Isn'tthat Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello,what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
******************************************************************
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and
saving the girl's life.A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog".
Beggars of today
Posted
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs.10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly thedaily donation changes to Rs. 7.5
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better thannothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's dailydonation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor."First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 andnow only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went touniversity. It's very expensive, so I had to cutcosts. This year my eldest daughter also went touniversity, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan toeducate them all at my expense."
Test By Puncture
Posted
A Santa meets Banta in a hospital and expressessurprise,
"What are you here for?"
Banta says, "I am here for blood test and these idiotsare going to puncture my finger.
"Santa started crying, "Oh my God, I am here for urine test and I am too youngyet, what will happened to me?"
Rocket to Moon
On the first night of honeymoon the wife crazyhusband says, "My sweet darling, I am going to take youto moon tonight."
The impatient wife says, "Sure, but first at least let's seethe rocket to get there."
THAT MAKES SENSE
Posted
1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is likeexpecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,but what we are inside
. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she didand is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!
8. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow sure!
9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!
10. All desirable things in life are eitherillegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
11. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di???
12. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…Eh Ganpat, chal daru la…
13. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.Which makes it a logical statement that90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
An Elephant meets an Ant!!
Posted
On Introduction:Ant : Haathi tumhari umar kitni hai?
Elephant: Paanch Saal !!!
Ant : Paanch Saal aur itnay bade !!!
Elephant: I AM A COMPLAN BOY .
Elephant: Cheetti tumhari umar kitni hai ?
Ant: Tees Saal.
Elephant: Tees Saal aur itni chhoti.
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;;
Ant: Haan .... I AM A SANTOOR GIRL.... MERI TWACHA SEY MERI UMAR KA PATA HI NAHI CHALTA !
One Hand On Steering Wheel,
One Hand Out Of Window…
You Are in SYDNEY …
************ ********* *********
One Hand On Steering Wheel,
One Hand On Horn…
You Are in JAPAN …
************ ********* ********* *********
One Hand On Steering Wheel,
One Hand On Newspaper,
Foot Solidly On Accelerator…
You Are in BOSTON …
************ ********* ********* *********
Both Hands On Steering Wheel,
Eyes Shut, Both Feet On Brake,
Quivering In Terror You Are in NEW YORK …
************ ********* ********* *********
Both Hands In Air,
Gesturing, Both Feet On Accelerator,
Head Turned To Talk To Someone In Back Seat… You Are in ITALY …
************ ********* ********* *********
One Hand On Horn,
One Hand On Holding Gear,
One Ear Listening To Loud Music,
One Ear On Cell Phone,
One Foot On Accelerator,
One Foot On Clutch,
Nothing On Break,
Eyes On Females In Next Car,
WELCOME TO INDIA
U JUST CANT STOP LAUGHING
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Conductor: baccha ko ticket ?
Rajsthani lady :- iko bhi lagego ke ? yo tho abaar bobo chuse hai.
Conductor:- bobo tho iko baap bhi chuse hai. To uke bhi free me bitha lu
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Sardar running behind bus, and finaly catches it n asked driver,
ye bus teri ma lagti hai ?Nahi.
Behan lagti? Nahi…
biwi ? nahi.
Tho sala chadne kyu nahi deta
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Girl hostel me phone aaya- meena hai kya ?
Warden ne pucha-piche kya lagati hai ?
Jawab aaya-ab tho pata nahi pehle whisper lagati thi
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Husband:- ne sasural me biwi se : chalo sex karte hain
Biwi : nahi ye mere baap ka ghar hai
Husband :- tho kya mere baap ka ghar randi khana hai jo to roz Taiyar ho jati hai
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Sardar go 4 sex with wife
Wife – please aaj mat karo, mera upwas hai..
Sardar gusse se => bhenchod mere lund pe kya aata laga hai, Jo upwas tut jayega
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Suhagrat ko pati ne patni se pucha " kya mehsus kar rahi ho ?"
Patni = aaj tak top_up me kam chalate the aaj se life time karwa liya
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Hone wali bahu ko dekhne aaye sasur ne kaha beti chai aati hai.
Ladki boli chutiye mujhe abhi tak dudh nahi aata. Chai kya ghanta aayegi
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Nasbandi ki team ko dubara apne village me dekh kar ek budha bola, " in logo ne connection to pahle hi kat diya tha. Ab kya handset bhi le jayege.?
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Women's life is very hard –
morning –
wash clothes, Noon –
dry clothes, Evening- iron clothes,
Night – open clothes,
Late night-search clothes...........
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Ek budha blue film dekhte huyejor se haath ko jatka dene laga
Ladka- kya hua baba ?
Baba- kya hona hai, 30 saal bad khada hua tho Aaj haath so gaya..
NonVeg Jokes
Posted
1.Farmer ordered a Milking Machine. Tried it on on his penis & hada wonderful orgasm, but could not remove it. So he read the manual & faints.
It said," AUTO RELEASE AFTER 2 GALLONS"
2.A SAD STORY : A little boy was so jealous of his new born brother that he put poison on the nipple of his mom while she was asleep.
Now comes the sad part - the next day their driver died.
3. A recent survey asked 100 Sexually active men what they mostenjoyed about a blow job. 99.9% said'" The 10 minutes silence."
4. What is a kiss ? Kiss is an enquiry in the first floor,about vacancy in the Ground Floor.
5. What would be the name of a Chinese Prostitute?....................Sabne Lee.
6. Why do women love gold more than man?
Because Gold has 24 Carrots while man has only one Carrot.
7. Prostitute to man:"Hi, man, want to have sex?
Man to prostitute:"Ok.Only if you do it like my wife does."
Prostitute:"I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Man:"She does it for free."
8. A 20 year old boy gets married to a 65 year old lady.
The nextday after marriage, the boy dies.
Reason: He drank expired milk.
9. Today, in style are small cars, small watches, shortskirts, andsmall mobile phones.
There will come a time, when theSMALL PENIS will be in style, and then YOU will be the man!!!!!!
10. What is the thing that goes in dry & comes out wet.More you putit in, the stronger it gets.Men and women enjoy it in bed...................................................TeaBag
11. Sardar to sardarni:" Let's try something different, let me do itin your ear."
Sardarni:"Hohji, aur mein behri ho gayi to?"
Sardar:"Aaj tak goongi hui kya?"
12. Palat ke dekh jalim, tamanna hum bhi rakhte hai,husn tum rakhti ho, to, jawani hum bhi rakhte hai,gehrai tum rakhti ho, to lambai hum bhi rakhte hai......
13. Jab tere Chicku thhe, sab tere peechoo thhe,Jab tere Aam huye, sab pareshan hue,Jab tere Kharbhuch hue,bade ajube hue,Jab tere jhool gaye, sab tuje bhool gaye!!!!
14. What's common to a Man on Tight rope at 500 mtr height& mangetting a blow job from a 85 year old lady?Poor fellas - both must not look down!!!!!!
15. Sexual Thoughts for Today : its not the length, its notthesize, its how many times you can make it rise!its not howwellit fits but how often you can make it spit!!!!
16. A Sardar gives 36 roses to his girlfriend, whothrilled,undresses, lies down, spreads her legs &says:"This is for the roses"
Sardar:"Why, Can't you find a vase?"
sexy sms
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What bitches say during Sex -
English Bitch - Oh yes, Oh Yes!!!!!!!!!!
American Bitch - Yeah Baby,Yeah Baby!!!!!!!!!
Pakistani Bitch - Ahista Abboo......Ammi jaagjayegi!!!!!!!!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher asks: Why do buffaloes seem depressed when milked?
Little Harry: Mam, if someone rubs your boobs for two hours&does'nt f*ck you, how would you feel????
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What do Bungee Jumping & Prostitutes have in common?
With both pleasure lasts for 35 seconds and if the rubber breaks,you are f*cked.
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What is the sex organ of an elephant and why?
His foot. Beacuse if he stamps on you, you are f*cked
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What do you call two homos having sex? DANDIA
What do you call a group of homos having sex? DISCO DANDIA
What do you call hundreds of homos having sex? LATHI CHARGE
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Wife to Doc: An ant entered my vagina. Please help and takeit out.Doctor: removes her panty and starts making love to her.
Wife(angrily): What are you doing?
Doc: This is the only way. I will drown the bastard.
My wife told me
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Men and women on earth die and go to heaven.
God comes and says"I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who dominated theirwomen, and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, Iwant all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."
Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The linefor the men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long, and in the lineof men who dominated their women there is only one man.
God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created youin my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of mysons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
height of honesty
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Conversation between a husband and wife.
Husband : My friend says that he has fucked all the ladies in this building except one.
Wife: Ya Correct. It might be the lady in the third floor.she is very traditional.
Husband: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mobile Handset
Posted
Nasbandi ki team ko dubara apne gaon me dekh kar ek budha bola, "In logo ne connection to pahle hi kat diya tha,
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...........................................ab kya HANDSET bhi le jayenge?
Ek baadshah yeh elaan kerta hai k main apni beti ke shadi us larky saykaroon gaa jo sab say ziyada gand maar sakky to her koee aata haitrial per koee 1 lakree koee 2 lakryan or koee 3 lakryan or max 15lakryan tak chood leta hai per her koee 15 lakryan choodny k baad hekhattam ho jata hai dour kaheen kise village main ek gando rehta thajo bahaut bara choudo tha jab bhe daikhoo yehe kehta tha"k is ko chood doon gaa us koo chood doon gaa, is kee gand maar doongaa us kee gand maar doon gaa"to loog badshah tak us ke bateen pohouncha daity hainbaadshah bara impress hota hai or us ko apny darbaar paar bula letahai wo banda jab darbaar main enter hota hai to yehe baten kerta hotahai k "is ko chood doon gaa us koo chood doon gaa is kee gand maardoon gaa us kee gand maar doon gaa".Badshah bara heraan hota hai or begher kise test k uss ke shadi apnibeti say ker deta hai ab suhaag raat aa jate hai to wo apny kamry kdooor ko zour say dhakka de ker enter hota hai or aaty he bashan denashuru ker deta hai k "is ko chood doon gaa us koo chood doon gaa iskee gand maar doon gaa us kee gand maar doon gaa".Shehzaadi pehly to sunte rehte hai phir tang aa ker apni phuddi ketaraf ishara ker k kehtee hai K is ko koun choody gaa to wo bandamiskeen shakal bana ker kehta hai"K SARKAAR HUM TO BUS BAATEN CHOODTE HAIN "
Suhag rat thi. Sas ne derwaza zor s bazaya. Dulhan bhag ker perde ke peche chup gaye. Sas k jane k bad huby bola: tum dari kion, ami thi,
dulhan: Oh ! ma samjhi chapa per gaya.
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Pathan 1 ghante s pregnant aurot to chod raha tha. Aurat: ab bas karo mujhe dard ho raha ha. Pathan: chup hilo nahin, mujhe bache k gand nahin nahi mil rahe
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1 sardar apni bhen ki room ma gaya waha osko plastic ka lund mila, who dekh ker bola……………………………………………………………………………………
" acha y hota ha bhen ka lora
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James Bond was showing his new telephatic watch to a gal n say: u r not wearing a panty.
Gal: I m wearing.
Bond: My watch is 10 minutes ahead
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A sardar eats Viagra daily. Friend asked: u don't have wife or gf then y u eat the Viagra daily? Sardar: Bus wase hi underwear ma ronak lagi rehti ha.
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1 Hindu n Muslim s pocha: Tum log khatna kion kerte ho.Muslim ko samaj nahi aya or bola: bas wase hi khobsorti ajati ha
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BV: ao jee, bohat serdi lag rahe ha.
Huby: Pata ha (phir guse se bola) hamari aurtain chodwane se nahi ...............................nahane se ghabrati hain
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Today is international disadvantaged people day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend just as I've done, I don't care if u lick windows, interfere with farm animals or occasionally pee on urself. U hang in there sunshine, u r f*cking special
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Beti : Ma Gao ma bollywood wale ayen haen.
Maa: Beti under ajao
Beti: Ma pata ha Imran Hashmi bhi aya ha
Maa: Beti bakri ko bhi under lele
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Suhag rat ma hakle ne kaha " A A Ao na chu chu chu "BV chadi utar ker: "Ab chum le, chod le ya chos le per chu chu na ker
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Dr: sans le…. Or lambi sans….. or lambi…………. Thori or lambi……. Suddenly sound came "khatak"Dr: Lagta ha ap ki paslo fracture haLady: stupid mere bra ka hook toth gaya ha
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Sardar bought a pressure cooker , next day he return the cooker, Shopkeeper: y r u returning it?Sardar: Gher ma jawan betian haen or ye sala setian merta ha
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1 makrani bohat dare se 1 khobsurat lerki ko dekh raha thaLerki: kabhi lerki nahi dekhiMakrani: dekhi ha per soch raha ho, ager tum hamara ma hota to hum bhi itna khobsurat hota
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1 admi bache ko molvi ke pass le jata ha or pochta ha ye bara ho ker kia bane ga. Molvi oske samne 1 book, 1 sharab k bottle or 1000$ rakhta ha, bacha tino cheze le leta ha. Molvi preshan hota ha, sochta ha or phir kehta ha " ye bara ho kar Maulana Fazlur Rehman bane ga
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Police ko 1 body mili ha, kalay dant hain, ghonslay jaese bal haen, dimag nahi ha, pao ulte haen, mujhe tumhari fikr horahi ha, zara miss call to marna
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Dil ka dard hamey batate kion nahi,Dosti ka haq hum pe jatate kion nahi,
Mar jao gey aese hi zor laga ker, Qabz hai to HASHMI churan khate kiun nahi
16 sundria Swiming pool me naha rahi thi, achanak . . Pool ka sara pani sukh gaya !
Pucho kyun ?
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Are Budhu.........
Yahi he asli WHISPER ka kamal"Gilepan ki Chhutti.. "
hahta Hoon Tujhe Pyar Doon
Dosti Pe Apni Zindagi Waar Doon
Par Jab Tera koi REPLY Nahi Milta
To Dil Kerta Hy Teri G@ND me Goli Maar Doo......... ......... ........
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Father & son went to medical store. Father buys pack of condoms.
Son : Whats this?
Father : Its medicine for killing rats.
Son : O bhenchod! Ch00t mein bhi choohe..!
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Manmohan America gaye..>>
BUSH se bole, raat ko maal bhejo..! >>
Bush : 16 saal ki ya 20 ki..?
Manmohan : 65 ki bhejo,hum America ki beti nahi maa ch0dne aye hain..!!
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Husband: Tum meri kis cheez se sabse zyada impress ho..?Life Style,.Car,.Bank Balance.?
Biwi: Tumhare Sexx se..,tumhara jaisa Sexx mohalle me kisi ko nahi aata..!
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Teacher: Pappu, TAMSO MA JYOTIR GAMYA" shloka ka kya arth hai?
Pappu: Tum so jayo maa, mein Jyoti ke pass ja raha hoon
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Ye ladkiya b kitni chalaak hoti hain . Apna 16 rupye litre wala DUDH ka lalach dekar hamara 180 rupye kilo wala GHEE nikal leti hai..!
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Girl to boyfrnd-Dear, do u know apki lulli duniya ki sabse badi lulli hai??
boy-Achcha.
Girl-kyun ki, iske baad lund ki catagari hoti hai
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dentist was caught raping a girl. Next day headline, "Dentist caught filling wrong cavity".
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Newly married husbnd to wife at his in-laws home- chalo darlin aaj sex karte hai....!!!
wife- nahi ye mere baap ka ghar hai...!!
husbnd- to kya mere hi baap ne randi khana khol rakha hai????
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Ghalib ne fermaya : koi saheli na mili to na sahi , tere jesa dost tu mil gaya
...........WAH.........WAH..............
chalo choot na mili tu na sahi .. tere jesa chootiya tu mil gaya
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Kooool Sardar jokes
Posted
1. Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d complement"
2 . How do you recognize a Sardar in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
3. Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so? He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand
It would be hot.
4. Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn’t reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him “Arre Puttar, ki hoya?"
The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, “Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?"
5. Teacher: Can you tell me something about Raja Ram Mohan Roy?
Saradji: They were 4 best friends..!
6. Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Color Dikhao.
7. How can a Sardar Kill a Lion? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.
9. Sardar: Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!
10. Sardar with a new mobile called everyone from his Phone Book & said “My MobileNo. has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"
11. Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. He writes a Love letter to her, “I LOVE U SISTER."
12. What is Common between: Krishna, Ram, Gandhi ji & Jesus..?
Sardar ji Replied: All are born on Government Holidays.
13. Santa: That Cow is a Lovely Color,
Farmer: Yes, it's a
Santa: Oh, I thought it was its Skin...!!!
14. Sardar Son: O God! Please make
Sardar: Why are you praying for that?
Sardar Son: That is what I have written in my exam.