A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met a young lady of excellent character and virtue that interested him very much. What should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet." :)
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa,"
He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,
"Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice :
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says,
"You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly with,
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. FOR ONE NIGHT ? ! THATS TOO MUCH !"
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife.
However he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile,
somewhere a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail,
expecting message from her relatives and friends.; After reading the first message she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've just reached
Date: 13th oct 2006
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to sent e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was;
MORAL OF STORY - be careful while sending mails if not mishaps like these happen ..
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have toaccept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with herhands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be herho rrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
She asked him which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament:
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't readuntil you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
The Moral of the Story: It doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch!
1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cyber sex, please make sure
your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time,
(preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your
in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in
attendance). It really gets difficult to explain the moaning and
groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector
is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the
future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys
are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as:
sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains
on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for
a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing
a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra
(the one that has everything pulled up so high your belly button is
under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy
that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the
computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit
in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at
the office, - but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the
company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing, we all
know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling
your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you
get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get
you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15″
screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in
the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are
doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next
month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because
you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the
time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still
works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your
tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your
spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me
suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet
posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things - hmmmm,
things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby,
you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and
burger with that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go
ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your
"coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was
someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going,
ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you
had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing
for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got
bumped off-line. That always works and at least she won't take it so
personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction,
(oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms
too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over,
or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever
having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email
address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you,
it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH?
I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber
twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go
blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having
it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize
that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and
you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady
rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And
just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your
left hand for something different.
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus
rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the
love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the
forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should
be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part
is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way
down.
2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the
thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument;
it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every
possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to
show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the
guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he
wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets
carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my
fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male
performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who
can speak in whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your
face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic
moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause
permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be
prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be
asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love
it.
7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he
does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in
peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with
out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It.
If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily
play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to
clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and
not swallowed everything.
10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are
you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take
your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you
should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you
and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a
time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and
gifted human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover
he's ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is
unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an
important thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not
a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I
know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't
mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it
but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover
who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his
exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a
threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus
you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It
makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date.
At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to
trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the
Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to
ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it
out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with
semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and
throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my
mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort
and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a)sex
has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an
orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it
is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's
warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off
into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I
should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There
is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain -
prostitution.
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"
Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was.
Recruiter: Gay, huh? Do you think you could kill a man?
"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days".
Recruiter: Gay, huh? Do you think you could kill a man?
"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days".
Two very senior ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the heck is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
Fifteen students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost!? I thought you said 'goats'."
Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden, because he wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that, someday, Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV. They want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that, when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply. But, He knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident and for anything else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the No. 1 reason of all:
God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared ...
"I can do better than that."
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: 'Mom! I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to each other and, after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses, as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: 'Why the black panties?'
She replies: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.'
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario -- her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: 'What's with the black condom?'
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. Got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut you up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.