1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cyber sex, please make sure
your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time,
(preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your
in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in
attendance). It really gets difficult to explain the moaning and
groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector
is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the
future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys
are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as:
sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains
on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for
a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing
a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra
(the one that has everything pulled up so high your belly button is
under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy
that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the
computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit
in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at
the office, - but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the
company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing, we all
know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling
your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you
get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get
you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15″
screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in
the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are
doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next
month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because
you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the
time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still
works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your
tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your
spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me
suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet
posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things - hmmmm,
things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby,
you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and
burger with that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go
ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your
"coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was
someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going,
ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you
had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing
for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got
bumped off-line. That always works and at least she won't take it so
personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction,
(oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms
too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over,
or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever
having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email
address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you,
it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH?
I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber
twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go
blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having
it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize
that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and
you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady
rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And
just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your
left hand for something different.
Some of my own suggestions:
- Variety keeps things interesting. Experiment with different positions, kinks, genders and species. Reality is no limit.
- If it can be done, it's been done. If it can't be done, it's been done in roleplay.
- MUCK furs are the undisputed masters of cybering - you just won't get that standard on IRC. Pose length, punctuation, vocabulary... real perfectionists.
- Second Life is the inverse - for all it's reputation, the standards of writing are minimal. Expect to see a lot of "-puts his coke in your mouth," broken up by fiddling with animations and avatar attachments to display low-quality images of two characters in pre-configured positions.
- Set sufficient time aside - if you want a quickie, it's going to take at least an hour and a half. If you want something really elaborate, you will be limited only by the endurance of the participents.
- You will find people playing child characters. The appropriate response is to shuffle off sideways and not look at them - don't be too creeped out, because most of them are only doing so because they enjoy making others uncomfortable.
- The flirting can be as much fun as the sex - add a couple of hours extra allocation for that.
- Unless you have exceptional self control, men, you will orgasm mid-way through. Tough. You have to keep going - you will soon recover and be as aroused as before.
- The most instantly arousing reading material I have encoutered is that written by Glee. Look him up on furaffinity.