A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their
75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to
his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always
bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of
our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been
the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your
answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a
different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she
paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting
hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks
"Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she
tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says, "You."

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sunita came! to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, jjust to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...

Love,

Mom.

Lesson of the day:

Don't Lie to Your Mother...........especially if she is Indian !

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people
did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada
for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta anada for 800 dollars. Being
poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the
people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more
cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk
supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from
the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very
wise, what to do.

They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches
our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An
approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this
cow from Alberta?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had
gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got
the cow from Alberta?

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

A police officer pulled over an eighty-six-year-old woman because her
hand signals were confusing.

"First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you wave
your hand up and down, then you turn left," said
the officer.

"I decided not to turn right," she explained.

"Then why the up and down motion with your hands?" asked the
officer.

"I was erasing."

These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake...


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MONDAY: For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.


******

TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishanth's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."


******

WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishanth has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of t he error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.


******

THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishanth, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 98407 16581 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit!

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different
hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do
they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for
An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then
The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He
checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He
discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line
of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly
the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting
to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not
work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a
former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes
to the canteen!!!

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."

God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa,"

He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife.

However he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile,

somewhere a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail,

expecting message from her relatives and friends.; After reading the first message she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My loving wife
Subject: I've just reached
Date: 13th oct 2006

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to sent e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was;


MORAL  OF STORY - be careful while sending mails if not mishaps like these happen ..

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have toaccept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with herhands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be herho rrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

She asked him which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament:
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't readuntil you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

The Moral of the Story: It doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch!

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one.
He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one.

This goes on for at least an hour and a half.

Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"

"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."

There was a Microsoft Tech Support guy who joined the Army. He was hopeless on the firing range with a pistol. He shot a whole clip and never even hit the target. The Drill Instructor was not happy with his performance, and informed him of this.

The Tech Support guy went back to his position, reloaded, put his fingertip over the end of the barrel, and pulled the trigger, which, of course, neatly removed the end of his finger.

'Well,' he said to the D.I., clutching his finger, 'it's coming out of the gun all right. It must be a problem on your end.'

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who`s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I`m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it`s the minister`s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home.  Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.  With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad?  My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on!  Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please.  Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way.  It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

"No, no, and no.  I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can.  Please?"

"NO, no.  I just can't."

"Pleeeeease?..."

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled.  In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss.  Or I can do it.  Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it.  But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."

"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.

"No", she replied. "He's out."

"Then we cannot come in", they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.

"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"

The woman went out and invited the men in"

"We do not go into a House together," they replied.

"Why is that?" she asked.

One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How n ice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"

His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"

Their daughter was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"

"Let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife.

"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."

The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."

Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, t he lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.   

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"  


*********


Moral of the story : Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.   

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