SARDAR : Yaar maine apni girl friend ko gift dena hai, kya du?
2ND : Gold ring de de.

My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch. Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery "Good morning."

"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer. "Having trouble taking off?"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.After the
check-up, the doctor took the wife aside andsaid, "If you don't do the
following, your husband will surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work
in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a
good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with
household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

Patient:Doctor, do you think that i will live for another 40 years.?
Doctor:Do you go out and have fun with friends and do crazy things.?
Patient:No!
Doctor:Do you pig out and eat fun stuff ?
Patient:No!
Doctor:Do you smoke ?
Patient:No!
Doctor:Do you do 69 with your wife or girlfriend or mistress ?
Patient:No!
Doctor:Do you go see hookers?
Patient:NOOOOO!!!!!!
Doctor:YOU KNOW WHAT, I REALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WANT TO LIVE FOR ANOTHER 40 YEARS.

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. Imagine the trademarks:

Nike Condoms : - Just do it.
Toyota Condoms : - Oh.. what a feeling.
Ford Condoms : - The ride of your life.
Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.
Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today ?
KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.
M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Coca-Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing.
Ever-Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going ....
Macintosh Condoms : - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop.

USA Brands
Budwiser Condoms:- This bud's for you
Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper
Gatorade Condoms:- The thirst Quencher Ball
Park Franks Condoms:- They plump when you use em
Charmin Condoms:- Don't squeeze the Charmin

Telecom Brands
Nokia Condoms:- This is Human Technology
Ericsson Condoms:- It's all about connecting people
ATT Condoms:- The right choice
Motorola Condoms:- What you never thought possible

And my personal favorite:
Movies Godzilla Condoms:- Size does matter!!!

During my first year in college, I lived on the campus' first "co-ed by room" dormitory floor.

All the other floors had girls in one wing, and boys in the other wing, separated by a big shared lounge. But on our floor we had girls next door and directly across the hallway. It worked out great, and there were no problems or complaints.

Anyway, one morning I woke up early and had to take a leak, so I sleepily shuffled down the hallway toward the bathroom, wearing only my boxer shorts. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I passed a couple of girls on their way to breakfast and I mumbled a half-awake "good morning." They didn't respond. Instead, they stopped walking, turned around and watched me, as I walked past them. Then they burst out laughing.

I thought, "What's up with them?! This is how people look in the morning, when they're half awake." I walked into the bathroom, stepped into the stall, and reached down to free the Big Guy for a much needed pee.

To my horror, the Big Guy was already out of the front of my boxers! And he wasn't looking the least bit sleepy! He'd been proudly saluting all the way to the bathroom! I guess it's true what they say: You can't keep a good man down.

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK."

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leap over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"

One fine sunny day, Johnny and Susie were sitting on the sandbox playing, naked.
Johnny and Susie was curious, why they have different *parts*.
So, Johnny went home, and asked :
" MUM! Why does Susie have a hole and I have a stick??"
His mum replies : " Susie has a garage, and you have a Ferrari. Men park their cars in the garage when they are ready. "
" Oh... "
Susie reached her house and asked her father:
" Papa, why does Johnny have a stick between his legs and I have a hole? "
" No, Susie, that is the Ferrari! Don't let him park his Ferrari in your garage! "
"Oka...y...y"
The next day, both of them were on the sandbox again, playing naked.
Johnny exclaimed : " Oh, Susie ,let me park my Ferrari! "
Susie replied : No! "
He insisted and even tried to park his Ferrari.
And after 10 minutes Susie went home.
" SUSIE! Why are there bloods on your hands! "
" Mom, Johnny tried to park his Ferrari, so I just pulled the back wheels off. "

Joe met a nice girl who worked for at carnival. They quickly became attracted to each other, and she invited Joe to her house.

When he got there, he noticed a few strange things. First, he noticed that her hallway was filled with those "funny mirrors" that make you look tall and skinny, or short and fat.

He also noticed that her bedroom had many shelves of fluffy toys.

That was the last thing he noticed before she threw him on the bed. He screwed the ever-lovin' daylights out of her, and when he was done, he asked, "So,... how was it?"

And she said, "You can have anything from the bottom shelf, unless you want to try again and win something from the middle shelf!"

Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle. "Master, may I grant you one wish?" asked the genie with a smile.

"Hey, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barked Rodman.

The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he said, "Okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed, "Now leave me alone!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle.

The next morning, Rodman woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance.

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it.

But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"F* ck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. "So, Mark, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife. "Two," he responds. She slaps him hard across the face. "What was that for?"

"You have a mistress, now do you!!?"

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."

1)
A doctor had just delivered twins...a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!" With out missing a beat, he said proudly "You're telling ME I'm not sterile!"

2)

What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?

A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

3)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
    
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"  is wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
 

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women,sexually, is that
men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what
we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand,
are like fire. They're very excited, but the conditions have to be
exactly right for it to occur.

Sardar ji was filling up application form for a job.

He was not sure as to what to be filled in column  "Salary Expected".

After much thought he wrote: Yes :)

Main bhi tere liye
TAJ MAHAL banaaunga..
Main bhi tere liye TAJ MAHAL banaaunga...
1 cup Subah aur 1 cup Shaam ko Pilaaunga..!!

Ek hawa ka jhoka as aaya
To laga jaise ke tum aaye ho

Darwaze par kisi ki aahat is hui
To laga jaise ke tum aaye ho

AB tum hee bataoo...
Kya tum kisi bhoot se kam ho

KHUDA JAB HUSN DETA HAI,
KHUDA JAB ISHQ DETA HAI.
KHUDA JAB ROOP DETA HAI
UDHAR KANJOOSI SE,
AUR IDHAR CHAPPAR FAAD KE DETA HAI :0

Hum Giray Huyay Ko Uthatay Hain
Hum Bichroon Hoon Ko Milatay Hain

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

Lesson 1:

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
    Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel, "
    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
    "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
    "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"

    Moral of the story
     If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

*********

    Lesson 2:

    A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
    The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
    The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find

    Moral of the story
     If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

*********

    Lesson 3:

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
    The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
    "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
    Puff!  She's gone.
    "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life."
    Puff! He's gone.
    "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
    The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

    Moral of the story
     Always let your boss have the first say.

*********

    Lesson 4:

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
    The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."
    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story
     To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.

*********

    Lesson 5:

    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy."
    "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
    They're packed with nutrients."
    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the
tree.

    Moral of the story
     BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

*********

    Lesson 6:

    A little bird was flying south for the Winter.It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a
cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and
soon began to sing for joy.
    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Morals of this story

     (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

     (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.