Showing posts with label Funny Jokes. Show all posts
Solve the puzzle by saying them out loud, over and over until
you "hear" the answer. Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place)
Answer: Los Angeles
These are places
1. Use Seal Lay
2. Hue Essay
3. Thin Worth Poll
4. Loss Fake Cussed Rip
5. Thief Lower Duck Ease
6. Pan Numb Hog Kin Now
7. Thick Hard Enough Heed Hen
8. Hike Up Hull Comb Egg Sicko
9. Mound Deaf Arrest
10. Lit Tell It All Lee
HUSBANDS ADVANTAGE:
1.Husbands are less expensive to shoe than horses.
2. Feeding a husband doesn’t require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.
3. A lame husband can still work.
4. A husband with a bellyache doesn’t have to be walked.
5. Husbands don’t try to scratch their heads on your back.
6. They are better able to understand puns.
7. If they are playing hard to catch, you *may* be able to run them down on foot.
8. They know their name.
9. They usually pay their own bills.
10. They apologize when they step on your toes.
11. No saddle fitting problems.
12. They seldom refuse to get into the vehicle.
THE HORSE’S ADVANTAGE:
1. If they don’t work out you can sell them.
2. They don’t come complete with in-laws.
3. You don’t have to worry about your children looking like them.
4. You never have to iron their saddle pads.
5. If you get too fat for one, you can shop for a bigger one.
6. They smell good when they sweat.
7. You can repair their “clothes” with duct tape.
8. It’s possible to keep them from “jumping the fence”.
9. You can force them to stay in good physical condition with a whip if necessary.
10. They don’t want their turn at the computer.
11. They may turn white with age, but never go bald.
12. They have never heard of PMS.
A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!
A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me ... I must be a god!
Money can buy...
House but not Home...
Bed not Sleep...
Medicine not health...
MONEY-IS-DIRTY
It only causes pains and sufferings
SO SEND ME UR MONEY AND BE HAPPY
Close ur eyes !
1..2..3..
Cheater, U didn't close ur eyes, so nothing 4U.
There were two childhood buddies who went through school and college and even joined the army together. War broke out and they were fighting in the same unit. One night they were ambushed. Again the voice came, "Harry, please come and help me." Harry sat quietly because the captain had refused earlier.
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1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they
still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
4. What's another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
10. Why do they report power outages on TV?
11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
headlights off?
17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.
The man asked, "Why?"
The doctor replied, "Because I''m trying to examine you!"
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.
One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.
When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.
The old man responded "That's ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms."
It's been determined that it's a bad idea to give chocolate to a woman with PMS. It can worsen the condition.
However, it's an even WORSE idea to try to take AWAY chocolate from a woman with PMS.
Ravan ki 20 aankhein thi magar nazar sirf ek aurat pe;
Jab ki aapki 2 aankhein aur nazar har aurat pe...! Toh asli Ravan kaun??
~~~~~~~~~
Ravan was sent to court & was asked to keep a hand on Geeta.
He refused saying: Sita par hath rakh kar itni musibat aayi! Ab Geeta pe haath nahin rakhunga
~~~~~~~~~
An old rich man marries a young gal.
Interviewer asks the girl: Apne inmein shaadi ke liye kya dekha?
Girl: Ek to inki income aur doosre inke din kum.
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of Footprints in the sand: one belonging To him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, He looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very Lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he Questioned the Lord about it:
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow You, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most Troublesome times in my life, There is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The Lord replied:
"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering, When you see only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION T! ECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.
There was once a little bird who decided to rebel against tradition,
and when it came time to fly south for the winter, he decided to stay
behind. All the other birds flew south for the warmer weather, leaving
the rebellious one alone.
Of course, it wasn't long before the little bird discovered he had
made a terrible mistake. Winter set in and it became very cold. So, he
decided that he had better take off and fly south like his friends.
He started flying, but didn't get very far before the cold north wind
began to freeze his wings, and he went plummeting down, down, down ...
He fell straight down from the sky, through an open hole in the
rooftop of a nearby barn, and directly into a fresh pile of cow dung.
Well, the warmth thawed out his wings, and soon he was feeling fine
again. But, as his little head popped out from the smelly dung, along
came a cat who plucked him up and ate him.
Moral : Whenever you end up in a pile of DoDo it may not necessarily
be a bad thing, and everyone that comes to pull you out of your DoDo
may not necessarily be a good thing.
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled
the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an young :), the boss asked, "Is your
Mummy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that
noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed
the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
~~~~~~~~
Son to sardar : Papa, 5+5 kiney honde ae?
Sardar : Ullu de patte, gadhe, idiot, nalayak, besharam, haram khor,
tujhe kuch nahi aata.
Jaa andar se calculator lekar AA.
~~~~~~~~~
Girl : Bus bhi karo AB!
Boy : Kuch bhi nahi hota!
Girl : kisi NE dekh liya to?
Boy : kuch nahi hoga bus sedhi raho aur thora khol kar rakho!
Girl : bus bohat hogaya AB mein thumain nahi karne dongi
Boy : please thora as aur karne do!
Agar aaj paper na kar saka to mein fail ho jaonga :p
~~~~~~~~~
2 Sardars looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sardar1: Look so many bandages, pakka truck accident case.
Sardar2: Aaho, truck nambar bhi likha hai. BC-1760
~~~~~~~~~
Sardar proposed a Girl......
Girl said I'm 1yr elder to you...........
Sardar said Oye No Problem Soniye, I'll marry you NEXT YEAR.
~~~~~~~~~
MUNNA:
Munni woh din yaad karo,
Jab Hum-Tum saath Nahate thhe.
Tum Choot pe Saabun malti thhi,
Hum Lund pe Jhaag udaate thhe.
MUNNI:
Munna woh din beet gaye,
Ab Choot chhupane ki hai baari,
Bhoolo un beeti Yaadon ko,
Munni Bharat ki ab hai Naari.
MUNNA:
Munni woh din yaad karo..
Jab Hum Doctor-Mareez ban jaate thhe.
Dil ki dhadkan check karne ko,
Choochi pe ragad lagaate thhe.
MUNNI:
Munna who din beet gaye,
Ab choochi choli ke andar hai.
Ghoor-Ghoor ke dekh tu Mammey,
Ab Tu bhookha Bandar hai.
MUNNA:
Munni who din yaad karo..
Jab Hum-Tum saath mein Sote thhe,
Tum Choot mein Kheti karti thhi,
Hum Lund pe ganne bote thhe.
MUNNI:
Munna woh din beet gaye,
Jab Choot mein hoti thhi Kheti.
Ab Lund ki faslo ke darr se,
Meri Choot akeyli hai Soti.
MUNNA:
Munni woh din yaad karo...
Jab luka-chhipi khelte thhe Hum.
Tum Lahanga pahan ke aati thhi,
Aur usme chhup jaate thhe Hum.
MUNNI:
Munna woh din beet gaye...
Jab ghus gaye thhe tum Lahange mein.
Ab tum poorey Bhaaloo ho,
Aur Shahad ka chhatta Lagange mein.
MUNNA:
Munni woh din yaad karo...
Jab Saath mein khele thhe Holi.
Choot mein ungli daali humne,
Bhigaa ke teri wo choli.
MUNNI:
Munna wo din beet gaye...
Ab choot humaari pyaari hai.
Kyon Holi ki baatein ab jab,
Lauda tera bhikhaari hai.
MUNNA (Rote Hue!):
Munni woh din beet gaye
Sachmuch hee woh din beet gaye.
Ab Choot ki Darshan ki khatir,
Hum Choot-Chalisa padhte hain.
Par Choot naheen Darshan deti,
Hum Lund ragadte rahte hain.
Par waqt Humaara aayega,
Jab hum bhi tum ko chodenge.
Tum lund-lund chillaogi,
Hum choot mein Danda pelenge.
Munni Munne ko kam na samajh,
Yeh teri maiyya chodega.
Tu phuddi pakad kar royegi
Teri choot mein bamboo thokegaa.
Munna bhi hai Bharat ka,
Tujhko Nanga kar dega.
Tu lakh jod lena tango ko,
Teri choot ko who to choosega.
Tujhko poora geela karke,
Munna lund andar ghusaayega.
Choosega tere honthon ko,
Choochi teri chabaayega.
Tu cheekhegi, chillayegi par,
Koi naheen bachaayega.
Ragad Ragad ke Munna lega,
Apni tujhe banaayega.
Munni woh din yaad karo,
Jab Hum-Tum saath Nahate thhe.
Tum Choot pe Saabun malti thhi,
Hum Lund pe Jhaag udaate thhe.
MUNNI:
Munna woh din beet gaye,
Ab Choot chhupane ki hai baari,
Bhoolo un beeti Yaadon ko,
Munni Bharat ki ab hai Naari.
MUNNA:
Munni woh din yaad karo..
Jab Hum Doctor-Mareez ban jaate thhe.
Dil ki dhadkan check karne ko,
Choochi pe ragad lagaate thhe.
MUNNI:
Munna who din beet gaye,
Ab choochi choli ke andar hai.
Ghoor-Ghoor ke dekh tu Mammey,
Ab Tu bhookha Bandar hai.
MUNNA:
Munni who din yaad karo..
Jab Hum-Tum saath mein Sote thhe,
Tum Choot mein Kheti karti thhi,
Hum Lund pe ganne bote thhe.
MUNNI:
Munna woh din beet gaye,
Jab Choot mein hoti thhi Kheti.
Ab Lund ki faslo ke darr se,
Meri Choot akeyli hai Soti.
MUNNA:
Munni woh din yaad karo...
Jab luka-chhipi khelte thhe Hum.
Tum Lahanga pahan ke aati thhi,
Aur usme chhup jaate thhe Hum.
MUNNI:
Munna woh din beet gaye...
Jab ghus gaye thhe tum Lahange mein.
Ab tum poorey Bhaaloo ho,
Aur Shahad ka chhatta Lagange mein.
MUNNA:
Munni woh din yaad karo...
Jab Saath mein khele thhe Holi.
Choot mein ungli daali humne,
Bhigaa ke teri wo choli.
MUNNI:
Munna wo din beet gaye...
Ab choot humaari pyaari hai.
Kyon Holi ki baatein ab jab,
Lauda tera bhikhaari hai.
MUNNA (Rote Hue!):
Munni woh din beet gaye
Sachmuch hee woh din beet gaye.
Ab Choot ki Darshan ki khatir,
Hum Choot-Chalisa padhte hain.
Par Choot naheen Darshan deti,
Hum Lund ragadte rahte hain.
Par waqt Humaara aayega,
Jab hum bhi tum ko chodenge.
Tum lund-lund chillaogi,
Hum choot mein Danda pelenge.
Munni Munne ko kam na samajh,
Yeh teri maiyya chodega.
Tu phuddi pakad kar royegi
Teri choot mein bamboo thokegaa.
Munna bhi hai Bharat ka,
Tujhko Nanga kar dega.
Tu lakh jod lena tango ko,
Teri choot ko who to choosega.
Tujhko poora geela karke,
Munna lund andar ghusaayega.
Choosega tere honthon ko,
Choochi teri chabaayega.
Tu cheekhegi, chillayegi par,
Koi naheen bachaayega.
Ragad Ragad ke Munna lega,
Apni tujhe banaayega.
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
~~~~~~~~~
Man: Sardarji where were U born?
~~~~~~~~~
Ek kabuter NE sardar te bith kar diti,
~~~~~~~~~
A sardar was drawing money from ATM,
~~~~~~~~~
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