Showing posts with label Grown-Up-Jokes. Show all posts
What are 3 problems about being an egg?
You only get laid once,
the only woman to sit on ur face is ur mother,
and it takes 4 minutes to get hard.
1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE
YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.
10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom of the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds.
After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."
"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up. At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mothers once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."
"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.
"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"
Boobs pe dalo honey and ice
boobs ban gae very nice
boobs boobs...boobs boobs
bitha ke tub me lo boobs ki chuski
pekar doodh door karo khuski
boobs boobs boobs boobs
boobs ko chuso kar do lal
dil me na rahe koi malal
boobs boobs boobs boosb
boobs se tum jam ke khelo..
nipplon ko bhi muh me le lo
boobs boobs boobs boobs
bra me banao apna home
boobs hain ye nahi hain dome
boobs boobs boobs boobs
boobs ko pakdo kar do mash
nikal ke doodh banao squash
boobs boobs boobs boobs
boobs se karae agar koi malish
door kar de even uski falish
boobs boobs boobs boobs
i luv girls boobs very much
i want 2 tell u tat
u r so sexy sexy sexy ssexy
Want a free iPod. Yes, FREE! No, you will not get a free ipod from my site. You'll get a free iPod jokes instead
Mom: Why is your hand in your pants?!
Me: I was just 'shuffling'
Mom: What, right here?
Me: No, you don't understand! It's my iPod!
Mom: iPod, what is that?
Me: It is a small white thing, you know, girls will go crazy to have one free.
Mom: What! (She fainted)
Chemistry ki class main teacher NE ek larki se pucha what is "Nitrate"?
Larki Sharma kar boli: "sir, night rate 1500/-, aur hotel charges alag honge."
We're in the best business in the world
Why's that then?
Well, we've got it, we sell it, and we've STILL got it!
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene
even if their entry is restricted!
I Luv U?
Wrong!
That was great?
Wrong again!
I Luv it?
Wrong again!
The Ans: Meri chaddi kaha Hai!
Har Kudi di pehli pasand... ** PREETO BRA**
Hun 6 Sizan wich:
1. Small
2. Medium
3. Large
4. Oye Hoye!
5. Hai O Rabba!
6. Oh Teri Pehn Di !!
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairylegs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
who sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"
Man out on the town goes to a dance sees a nice babe and says "Man would I like to get in those pants"
Women says "No thanks I have one asshole in there all ready"
Thanks Stephen!
In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.
When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear,everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear.
What flies down your washing line at 100 m.p.h.?
Hondapants
During a rather heated argument, Morris the husband bellowed, "You don't
deserve a man like me."
Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A. A rumour.
The wife Sherry retorted, "I don't deserve arthritis either, but I got
that too."
"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends," the girl told her maiden Aunt. "Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?"
The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."
1. Foreplay doesn't start in the sack. The timer for enticing does not start once you hit the sheets. Your pre-game show is best approached as an all-day affair. Women love to be wooed. Sex is a head game -- in more ways than one -- and women want to know you can't get them out of your mind. We love knowing that we are desired. 2. Don't head south straight away. Diving in for the genitals too soon usually isn't the best idea. A woman needs to be properly aroused before any below-the-belt action feels good. Be sure to focus on her entire body -- head to toe -- before going for the gold. 3. Remember the clitoris. Many men think a woman's orgasm results from penetration. More than 70 per cent of women experience clitoral orgasm when it comes to maximum reaction, so men need to make sure they are not ignoring the clitoris. It also helps if you actually know where the clitoris is -- some men have been known to rub the urethral opening, which can be a big no-no for some ladies. 4. Get to that G spot. In digging for buried treasure, many guys don't know that 'X' doesn't always mark the spot. Found on the front wall of the vagina, a woman's G spot may be a little higher or lower, or more to one side than the other, than often depicted. 5. Don't be too goal-oriented. There is nothing more endearing than a man who wants to play. Just don't get caught up in yourself. Your sexual exploration should be playtime for two. Stay 'present' in the moment -- connecting with your partner will bring the ultimate climax for both of you. 6. Thinking you're still hot after gaining weight. 'For better or worse' should include weight fluctuations, but don't let yourself go completely. 7. Let her be naughty. Sometimes she needs to get in touch with her adulterated side. In fact, research has found that women are more aroused by explicit fantasies than romantic ones. It's not always about the prince on a white horse or canoodling on the beach. 8. She's not a porn star. As seen in porn films, many men expect their lovers to fulfill their every fantasy. Remember that porn is fantasy, not reality. Expecting her to act like a porn star is simply not fair. 9. And men aren't supposed to look like porn stars. Despite what XXX-rated films indicate, most women are not lusting after a three-legged man. Maybe some women are up for the challenge, but many are fine with the guy who fits within the norm. Don't be too hard on yourself for being just that. 10. One orgasm is not always enough. Women are not as quick to come down from their aroused state as men are post-sex. Many can be launched right back to bliss, and many women do crave more action and orgasms, even if they were perfectly satisfied the first time round.
An old widow and widower named Lisa and George get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night.
After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel. Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Lisa, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass.
Lisa then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and George is intently watching...
Lisa continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand.
Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and George continues to stare in an interested manner.
As Lisa takes off her wig, she realizes that George is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.
She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"
George quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here"!
A couple felt that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, so they went to see a sex therapist.
After listening to their complaints, the therapist suggested they try a new position.
"For example," the therapist said, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."
When they got home, the eager husband was all for trying this new idea right away.
"Well, all right," the hesitant blonde wife said, "but only on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you have to stop right away."
"OK, honey," the husband said. "What's the second condition?"
"You have to promise we won't go past my mother's house!" she replied