GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
============
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!
================
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!
==============
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
=============
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!
================
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.

No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window.

He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.

To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"


Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.


"Sir? It's 8:45."

1. The first person to yell "SHOTGUN" gets to ride in the front seat.



2. The remaining back seats may be divvied up in the same manner by being
the first to call "back right seat", etc..



3. The word "shotgun" must be loud enough to be heard by at least one
witness. If no witness is to be found, or in case of a tie, the driver has
the final word. After all, it is most likely his car. (note: if it isn't his
car, and the owner is present, the owner's decision is final. Owner must be
sober, however, or he will defer his judgment to the driver.)



4. Early calls are strictly prohibited. All occupants of the vehicle
(including the driver) must be outside of the building and directly on the
way to the vehicle before shotgun may be called. Under no circumstances may
a person call shotgun inside a building. For sake of simplicity, a garage is
considered to be outside. Parking structures and detached garages are always
considered as being outdoors, even if they are underground.



5. A person may only call shotgun for one way of a trip. Shotgun can never
be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the
first location. For example, one cannot get out of a vehicle and call
Shotgun for the return journey.



6. Being as how everyone is created equal, men have the same right as women
to the front seat of the car. i.e. women don't own the front seat.



7. One is allowed to ride shotgun as many times as he can call it, but for
himself only. No one can call shotgun for their slower friend, unless the
friend has a speech or mental handicap that prevents them from calling it
for themselves.



8. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the
right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

No one expects you to run--anywhere.

People call at 9 o'clock in the evening and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"

You are proud of your lawn mower.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You can live without sex but not your glasses.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.


You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You get cable television for the Weather Channel.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You have a dream about prunes.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You keep busy by sending e-mail to friends.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.


You send money to PBS.

You sing along with elevator music.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your back goes out more than you do.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age and it isn't breaking any
laws.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

You can't remember who sent you this list.

Two men were talking. First: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house n doing laundry.
Second: Amazing, I took divorce for the same reason!
--------------
Teacher: Who is Mahatma Gandhi?
Modern day Student: He is the one who helped Munna Bhai to impress his Girlfriend!
----------------
it's a fact: A girl may not help u to get lot of salary but... salary may help u to get lot of girls. So, love ur work not girls!
---------
Newly divorced woman explaining reason for splitting: We had religious differences - he thought he was God, I didn't.
-------------
What makes some people dearest is NOT just the happiness that you feel when you meet them; but it's the pain you feel when you miss them...
---------
Buffalo par baithe ek jaat koTRAFFIC police ne rok k puchha: Aap ka helmet kahan hai? Fine lagega.
Jaat: Re baawale, dhayan se dekh Neeche, 4 wheeler hai !
-----------------------------------
An Englishman and Banta inside the toilet.
Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?
Banta: Gud evening, we open the zip and do.

Women means Grown women :)

---------
Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits

**********
Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

**********
Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.

**********
Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.

**********
Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.

**********
Girls make you come home.
Grown women make you want to come home.

**********
Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

**********
Girls try to monopolize all their man's time ( I.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends!

**********
Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.  

**********
Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.

**********
Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just one man.

**********
Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.

**********
Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends".