1)
A doctor had just delivered twins...a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!" With out missing a beat, he said proudly "You're telling ME I'm not sterile!"

2)

What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?

A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

3)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
    
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"  is wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"