I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That
must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

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The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is,
"What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

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I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

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"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

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"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

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"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

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"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

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Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

********

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

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Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

********

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."

Anonymous

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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."